Things I should Have Said
by miSSmeliSS1324124
Summary: Logan has to deal with the pain of loosing someone he loves.


Logan let out a sigh as he stared at his phone in his hand. He'd already ignored three calls from his parents back home and he was starting to feel bad.

"_Maybe mom wants to apologize." _Logan thought to himself. He'd been ignoring calls from home for nearly a week but today they were suddenly more frequent. Logan still refused to pick up though. Ever since the blow out Logan had with his mother the day he came out to her about his relationship with Kendall.

_Logan was pacing the floor in his bedroom with Kendall with his phone in hand. He and Kendall had been in a relationship for more than a year and he still hadn't told his mother about it. He was using the excuse that he wanted to wait until the relationship was more solid before telling her but Kendall didn't believe that anymore._

"_Come on babe it's now or never." Logan stopped and turned to Kendall._

"_You know never doesn't sound that bad." Kendall rolled his eyes and stood up. He wrapped his arms around Logan and pulled him close._

"_Don't you want to be open and honest with your mom? You already told your dad."_

"_No, I didn't tell him he figured it out on his own then caught us together that one time we were visiting." Kendall looked up and chuckled at the memory. Logan lightly punched Kendall's chest and scowled at him. "I still don't think it's funny!"_

"_Calm down Logie it's not like we were actually doing anything. He just walked into the room and found us asleep on the same bed." Kendall took the phone from Logan's hand and held it up for him to see. "Now are you going to call your mom or what?" Logan hesitated for a moment and reluctantly nodded._

_He took the phone from Kendall's hand and pressed the speed dial. As it began to ring Logan began pacing again._

"_Hello?"_

"_Hi dad it's Logan."_

"_Oh hey son how are you?"_

"_I'm good um… is mommy home?" Logan heard a snicker behind him so he sent a glare at Kendall. There was nothing wrong with calling his mom mommy. _

"_Yea hold on a minute." Logan let out a breath as he listened to the muffled small exchange between his parents. When he could hear the phone being handed to his mom he took in a breath to prepare himself._

"_Logan?"_

"_Hi mommy."_

"_Oh my baby boy how are you?"_

"_I'm good. Listen… there's something I wanted to talk to you about." Mrs. Mitchell paused and Logan could hear her take in a breath._

"_Ok… what's the matter sweetheart?"_

"_Well I've wanted to tell you this for a while but I just didn't know how to say it. I'm… dating someone."_

"_Oh that's great Logan. Who is she?" Logan cringed as he prepared for what he was about to say._

"_Um well mom it's not a she… I'm dating Kendall. I'm… gay mom." There was a long pause and Logan was concerned that his mom hung up. "M-mommy?"_

"_I'm here… Logan are you sure about this? I mean this is probably just a faze."_

"_It's not mom. I love him." _

"_No honey you're just confused." Logan let out an annoyed huff._

"_I'm not confused I love Kendall. Dad accepted this why can't you?"_

"_Your father knows about this?"_

"_Yes."_

"_And you didn't help you?" Logan paused before speaking._

"_What is that supposed to mean?"_

"_You're sick Logan you need help." Logan held the phone tighter suddenly angry._

"_There's nothing wrong with me mom why can't you accept that!"_

"_How am I supposed to accept this Logan? You're supposed to get married and give me grandchildren."_

"_I can still do that!"_

"_Not with what you're going through." Logan shook his head and let out a breath of air._

"_I'm not going through anything, I'm not sick and if you can't accept that then I don't want you in my life!" Logan hung up the phone without giving her another chance to say anything. He threw his phone on the bed and let out a sigh as he covered his face with his hands. _

_A few seconds later arms wrapped around him and he could feel a body pressed close to his back. He had completely forgotten Kendall was with him but now he was really glad he was._

_Logan placed his hands over Kendall's and let out a sigh. Kendall stayed quiet and planted kisses on Logan's neck and shoulder. When Logan began to tremble Kendall held Logan tighter. _

"_It's going to be ok." Logan sniffed as his breath hick upped. _

"_How is it going to be o-k? I love her so much. I just want her to love me."_

"_She does just give her some time." Logan wiped his eyes and turned around. He wrapped his arms around Kendall's neck and laid his head against his shoulder._

"_Ok."_

Logan let out a sigh as he again let his phone go to voice mail. Kendall was probably right but he just couldn't get himself to answer.

"You can't ignore them forever." Logan jumped and nearly dropped his phone. He turned around from his seat on the couch to find Kendall watching him.

"When did you get here?" Kendall let out a sigh and walked toward the couch. He jumped over the back and landed in the spot right next to Logan.

"That's not important. Right now you need to stop avoiding your mom and talk to her. She probably wants to apologize."

"Or she wants to yell at me some more." When Kendall gave Logan a look he looked away with a sigh. He knew Kendall was right but he was just so afraid.

"You don't have forever Logan."

"I know but…"

"Logan." Both Kendall and Logan turned when Mrs. Knight walked into the apartment. She closed the door slowly behind her before she walked over to the couch. She stood in front of the two boys before looking toward Kendall. "Kendall could you give us a minute?" Kendall nodded and gave Logan a quick peck on the lips before getting up and walking toward their room.

Once he was out of site Mrs. Knight sat on the table across from Logan. She took his hands and gave him a sad smile.

"Logan your father called me." Logan let out a sigh and turned away from Mrs. Knight.

"He's mad that I'm ignoring him and mom right?" Logan couldn't help but notice Mrs. Knight's expression get sad.

"No honey he's not mad at you. It's just something happened and he really needed to get in touch with you." Logan furrowed his eyebrows.

"What happened?" Mrs. Knight let out a sigh and squeezed Logan's hands.

"Well your mother wasn't feeling well recently but she refused to go to a doctor because she didn't think it was anything serious." Mrs. Knight paused and bit her lip. "She was actually very sick and yesterday she… passed away." Logan's mouth fell open and he stared at Mrs. Knight blankly for a long time.

"She… died?" Mrs. Knight nodded slowly. "But I talked to her less than a week ago."

"I know Logan it was unexpected." Logan suddenly stood making Mrs. Knight stand as well. When she tried to pull him into a hug he backed away. "Logan it's going to be ok."

"I just… I need to get some air." Logan quickly left the apartment and walked outside. He found himself walking around Palm Woods Park for a few minutes before he plopped down in a bench next to a tree. He leaned against the back and looked up at the clear sky.

It was such a beautiful day but Logan wished it wasn't. If it was cold and rainy it would be easier for him to figure out what he was feeling. It would be cold and damp and Logan would be able to relate to that. The beautiful weather just added on to his confusion. It made him wonder if this was really happening.

It was just like when Logan was leaving for LA. A part of him though it was some dream. Logan leaned forward with his elbows on his knees and his chin resting in his hands. As he stared into space he thought back to that day.

_Logan glanced at his friends who were talking to their parents. Carlos was a few feet away talking to his mom and dad. His mom had tears in her eyes but she also had a smile on her face. She was proud of Carlos. When Logan turned in the opposite direction it was the same for James. His dad and mom hugged him tightly and Logan could hear them saying how they would call everyday and that they knew James would succeed. _

_When Logan looked to his parents in front of him he could see the reluctance in their eyes. It had taken a lot of convincing to get them to let Logan go and now that they were at the airport the reality was sinking in. _

_Mr. Mitchell stepped forward and hugged Logan tightly. When he pulled back he placed his hands on Logan's shoulders and let out a sigh._

"_You take care of yourself Logan. Study hard and work hard. I'm so proud of you." Logan smiled and nodded once._

"_I will I promise." When Mr. Mitchell stepped away Mrs. Mitchell immediately wrapped her arms around Logan. She held him for a long time not wanting to let go._

"_I knew one day you would be going out on your own but so soon? Mrs. Mitchell pulled away and quickly wiped her eyes. "I'm going to miss you Logan. You know I love you right" Logan smiled and nodded his head hugging his mom once more._

"_I know. I love you too mom and I'll see you soon."_

Logan rubbed his hands over his face and bit his lip. He never realized how much that sentence meant to him now. "I'll see you soon."

Logan suddenly heard someone approaching but he didn't bother to look up. He already knew it was Kendall. When Kendall sat down next to Logan and wrapped his arms around him Logan leaned into him.

"Mrs. Knight told you?"

"Yea." They both fell silent for a long time.

"I just… I can't believe she's gone."

"It's going to be ok Logan." Logan leaned forward and buried his face in his hands again. He shook his head and let out a sigh.

"No its not." Logan looked up at Kendall with tears in his eyes. "I can't stop thinking about the last thing I said to her. I told her I didn't want her around and now she's gone. It's all my fault."

"No Logan don't you dare think that." Kendall wrapped his arms around Logan and rubbed his arms soothingly. "Your mom was sick and she didn't take care of herself. She can only blame herself. And no matter what she knows you love her and she loves you too. No matter what you said and no matter what she said."

"But even if wasn't I'll never be able to take back what I said." Logan let out a sob. "I'll never be able to see her again." Kendall kissed Logan's head then leaned their heads together. He knew there wasn't much he could say to make Logan feel better so he didn't say anything. The most he could do is just be there when Logan needed him most.

"It's ok, I'm here for you." When Logan was calmer he sat back against the bench and wiped his eyes. Logan gave Kendall a weak smile then laced their fingers together. When a thought occurred to him his smile fell.

"Do you think she hates me?"

"Never."

"How do you know that?"

"Out of all the times you've ever been in trouble. All the times I got you arrested…" Logan let out a little laugh making Kendall smile. "You're mom never once said she hated you or that she was disappointed in you. She loved you, she loved you for being you, and she loved that you weren't afraid to be you." Logan bit his lip.

"Really?" Kendall nodded and kissed the top of Logan's head. He wrapped his arms tightly around Logan as they sat together silently. Kendall continued to whisper soothingly to Logan until whenever he felt Logan needed the reassurance. After sitting quietly for a few minutes Logan's phone broke the silence. He pulled his phone and looked at the caller ID to see it was his dad. Logan looked up at Kendall who squeezed him reassuringly and nodded.

Logan nodded and let out a sigh before he answered his phone.

"Dad?"

"Hey Logan." Logan immediately broke down again at the sound of his father's voice. It was obvious the man had been crying and that made Logan even more upset.

"Dad, I'm s-sorry." Logan felt Kendall's hand squeeze his but he didn't look u at him.

"Logie, it's ok. It's not your fault."

"I know I just… I miss her."

"I know, I miss her too."

"Dad?" There was a pause before Mr. Mitchell spoke.

"What is it Logan?"

"Did mom… did she hate me?"

"Of course not. She loved you so much Logan."

"Really?"

"Yes." Mr. Mitchell paused before speaking again. "I don't know if you want it but when you weren't answering your phone your mother wrote you a letter. She never got to send it…"

"I want it." Logan wiped his eyes and let out a breath. "I want it."

"Ok. I have to go. I'll talk to you more later."

"Ok, I love you dad."

"I love you too." After Logan hung up his phone he looked up at Kendall who was watching him quietly. Kendall reached his hand up to wipe Logan's tears then cupped his face.

"Are you ok?" Logan let out a sigh and looked away from Kendall.

"I honestly don't know."

* * *

><p>Logan got the letter within a few days. When he went to the mailroom to pick up their mail it was sitting on top of the pile in perfect condition. The first thing he noticed was his mom's handwriting on the envelope.<p>

Logan took the letter in his hands and stared at it. He held it closely to his chest already feeling his eyes sting with tears. He never thought a piece of paper would ever mean so much to him. Considering it contained some of his mother's final thoughts it meant the world to him. He kept it held to his chest as he brought the mail back up to the apartment. He threw the junk he didn't care about on the kitchen counter then walked towards his and Kendall's bedroom.

As soon as he was inside he grabbed a letter opener and sat on his bed. He opened the letter as carefully as he could then pulled out the perfectly folded paper. Tears were already sliding down his face as he opened it and read it silently.

_Logan,_

_I've had time to think and I realize how horrible I was to you. You were trying to be honest with me and I hurt you. All I ever wanted was for you to believe that you could be yourself and I was a horrible person, a horrible mother to try and change you. Our little family is the most important thing to me and I always want us to stay together. I never want something to split us apart. You are my pride and joy and I could never imagine a life without my beautiful little boy. _

_We haven't been able to talk so I hope this letter will help assure you that I love you no matter who you love. To be honest, if you were going to love anyone I would want you to love Kendall. He looks out for you and protects you. I know that if there is a day I can't be there for you Kendall will. The only thing I can hope for right now is that you will find it in your heart to forgive me. I hope you can over look the mistakes I've made. _

_Love, _

_Mommy._

_PS: Remember that I am always proud of you, remember that I always love you, and remember to always be yourself._

Logan covered his face with his hand to quiet his sobs. It was such a relief to know that his mom loved and accepted him. Kendall, James, Carlos, and his dad reassured him every day that his mom cared about him but he needed to hear it from her. He was so happy he could hear it from her.

"Logan you in here?" Kendall walked into the room immediately spotting Logan sitting on the bed. When he realized Logan was crying he was at his side in seconds. "Logie, baby wants wrong?" Logan dropped his hand and let out a few stuttered breaths before he could finally respond.

"I-I got the letter… from my mom." Kendall looked down at Logan's lap. He lightly placed his hands over Logan's then looked at him.

"Can I read it?" Logan hesitated but nodded.

"Be careful with it." Kendall nodded and took the letter from Logan. He took a minute to read it over then handed it back to Logan.

"I told you see loved you." Logan nodded and smiled sadly as he skimmed over the letter again.

"Yea… I just glad I could hear that from her." Kendall nodded and wrapped an arm around Logan. When Logan was calm again he put the letter back in its envelope then placed it carefully in the box under his bed. It was going with the rest of his other precious memories. He loved his mother and he would never forget her.

**A/N: DONE! Two down a couple more to go. It's not perfect whatever. I should really be thankful it rained. There were supposed to be fireworks tonight. If I had gone I never would have gotten this done. **

**Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this.**


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